I would like to address the most difficult part of dealing with the death of a loved one, grief.  It is a very strange animal. Like I said in last weeks post; grief is an expression of love. The more we loved that person the more we greave.

I remember years ago a dear friend lost her little baby boy when he was several months old. She had lost other children during pregnancy and this little boy was a miracle and a surprise.  Unfortunately he had a heart condition and he died after surgery. After he died I started to have the strangest feeling of incredible grief every time I drove near her house. I had never felt such grief before.  It was like driving into a cloud. I felt it come and I felt it go as I drove past the area. I thought it was so strange. I know I was feeling her grief.  I have felt empathy for others in their losses but not like I had during that time. I believe grief is almost tangible, and we can experience others grief. Even though I had this experience and because of my fathers death I researched all I could on death, nothing could prepare me for the grief I would experience after Kory’s death.

The first experience with grief was the numbness that I felt. I was living in another world but still appeared to function to the outside world. Then out of nowhere I would have this incredible wave of grief wash over me and I could not breathe! The pain was so physical! That really surprised me. Because of my grief, I heard screaming in my head, “your child is dead”, and there is nothing that can be done about it. I would start to cry uncontrollably and I thought I would die from the pain. I would cry until I had no tears left. What choice did I have? I had to go on. Life had to go on. Through such pain I learned some things that really helped me through this painful period.

1- ) I couldn’t make any important decisions.

2- ) Stress felt like rubbing up against a cactus, so I avoided it at all costs.

3- ) Music comforted me and made me cry also.  I know Randy and I cried for six months straight in church during every hymn.

4- ) We could no longer eat at the kitchen table. I could see Kory sitting there, saying,” gee mom this is good.” It broke my heart. So we didn’t eat in the kitchen for five years and to this day we only eat there when we have company.

5- ) Randy could no longer go to the movie theater. So we did the best solution. We built a theater room in our home. It is Kory’s room and we love it! We have movies together and with family and friends every weekend. Everyone that comes in this room says it feels so good there. We know it is a place of healing.

6- ) Because Kory died at Christmas we have a hard time with the holiday season. So we could not do the same thing so we chose to do something different. We rent a cabin in Gatlinburg or Pigeon Forge Tennessee every year. It has been a wonderful new tradition. We include Kory in our activities. I go to the Christmas Place every year and buy him an ornament for his tree.

7- ) I went to the cemetery everyday for nearly two years. It was a place of great comfort to me. Since writing my book I now go once a month, I am okay now. But we need to remember it is not really strange when someone goes all the time. We do what gives us a little comfort. The cemetery is a physical place that your loved one is. You can touch it and sit there and it is real.

I have a great love for cemeteries from the time I was a child. We would all get together as a family with my Grandmother Ellis and go visit the graves and take flowers. It was a great family reunion and we had a picnic. I have great childhood memories of this family gathering.

I remember my mother telling me of a mother who had lost her son and he was buried in a cemetery that my mother frequently walked in. She would come everyday and put out a pair of his shoes, then at night a pair of slippers. I understand this completely. You should have seen Kory’s grave in the early years.  We would joke that his grave looked like a circus. I would be at the store and I just wanted to take something to him. Windmills, birdhouses, heart shaped stones from all the places I visited, statues, you name it, it was there. I now just keep new flowers for the season there, and I clean the headstone and bench frequently. I just want him to know I will always take care of him.

8) The most important thing that I did was to give myself permission to do what ever I needed at those times that grief took over. I took a bath, looked at pictures, went to a movie or the cemetery, anything that I thought would help to get me through. The one rule I had was that it could not cause pain later. Because of my religious beliefs, drinking alcohol was not an option for me.  It would cause too much pain later. I think this was a great safety clause. Don’t add to the pain! Do something that soothes and inspires. Spiritual healing is the greatest comfort. Christ is the only person who has experienced the pain we are going through, so He alone understands so rely on Him and it helps.

I have a wonderful book that a great friend and ward member that is a councilor gave me. It is called The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. It had a lot of helps. This link will take you to Amazon if you wish to order this book.

Because spiritual healing helps the most, here are two links to short videos from The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that is very comforting, (first video).

Second Video

I know that my Heavenly Father knows my pain. I rely on Him.  After all, His son also died, so mine can live again.

Please share your insights with dealing with grief so we can all help each other.